A new Billings, LLC. (ad)venture

The benefits of cycling include but are not limited to: Not getting sat on my overly large people who want half of my bus seat, not sitting in all of Chicago's germs on public transit, fresh air, exercise, and gorgeous lakefront bike paths.

The benefits of cycling include but are not limited to: Not getting sat on by overly large people who want half of my bus seat, not sitting in all of Chicago's germs on public transit, fresh air, exercise, gorgeous lakefront bike paths, and thighs of steel.

I’d like to introduce my new signature scent, Freshly Minted Cyclist. This tantalizing parfum is made daily in small batches, so each bottle will be its own unique fragrance. However, we guarantee that your purchase will contain the essences of chain grease, sweat, rubber, and bruised ego. Your special variation may also include the delicate spice of automobile exhaust, the earthy fragrance of all-natural mud (good for the skin!), or strong and vibrant notes of abrasion antiseptic.

And because I’m feeling generous, I’ll let you in on a secret for making your own at home. For only $500*, you too can acquire the necessary machine to create this compelling aroma! That’s only 25 monthly payments of $19.95!*

*Safety gear not included. Must be certifiably insane to attempt.